August 22, 2022:

The Word of God has always been a driving force that has guided me in my life choices, in the way I treat others, and in the way I carry myself. I can truthfully say that I do not remember a time in which I did not believe in God and life everlasting or even a time in which I didn’t know half the hymnal by heart. My faith has been a constant, having been raised to not just hear the Truth, but to know and understand its meaning and purpose in my life and others.

That being said, I was not trusting in the Lord. I was caught in this seemingly endless cycle where I’d pray, question my worthiness as a sinner, feel guilty for asking for help, then go for days or weeks before I’d pray again. All my worries, fears, and doubts: I carried them by myself, just letting them sit in my mind and heart. And then I’d question God as to why He would let it happen when I tried so hard to live as an example of His love and His word—to be kind to people and to give my all to everyone, making social sacrifices that hurt me in the short-term to uphold what I knew to be right. And obviously, I’m nowhere close to perfect. I can list my flaws and mistakes for you if you’d like, but my point is that I was questioning why He wasn’t helping me when I wasn’t even trusting that He would.

I felt that I was being taken advantage of left and right—ignored by the people I cared about and the people I was doing so much for. I felt like I was no one’s first choice. My mental health was nowhere close to being great, and I was struggling to find motivation to do literally anything. From eating to washing my hair to doing laundry, everything seemed daunting and insurmountable—not to mention the onslaught of tangible challenges and hardships that seemed to just keep happening. And on top of everything, I felt incredibly alone—not just because I was single, but because I was hardly socializing with anybody. When I say I couldn’t find motivation to do anything, I mean it. Poor mental health is debilitating. And not only did I not ask God for help, I didn’t ask anyone. I don’t even think people around me knew I needed it.

I wasn’t being honest with myself about it. How could I be honest with them?

But all of it changed when I started trusting His plan instead of just believing that He was there. There was a moment when I was literally crying on the floor of my closet. I could not understand why I felt the way I did. I knew I was loved. I’d been blessed in so many ways. The logic was on my side. But the self-loathing, emptiness, and loneliness were all very real feelings I was experiencing. As I’m absolutely sobbing, I said for probably the first time ever, “Lord, please…please help me. I don’t understand.” And instantly, I stopped crying. There was an immediate realization where I knew I’d be okay, and I felt incredibly stupid for how stubborn and doubtful I had been. Eight words. So simple.

I don’t know what the future holds, but it doesn’t matter. I know that it’s what is meant for me. It’s still difficult to accept sometimes that my future may not be what I want it to be, and I still fall into old habits occasionally. After all, it’s not easy to let go because it almost feels like you’re giving up on something. It’s a lot of hard work to fix yourself and change your routine. It takes purposeful effort to pray and read your Bible, to eat better and take care of yourself, and to reach out to people around you. But trusting in His plan has made all the difference. My improved mental and physical health, heightened self-awareness, and overall understanding of people in general is proof of that.

Eight words…and whether you can see the difference in me or not, my life was forever changed.